Category Archives: Humor

Justin Trudeau Sucks at Feminism

Instead of solving some of the real problems of the world, Justin Trudeau is obsessed with getting men to call themselves feminists. Yeah, real vital.

And, as with everything else, Trudeau even sucks at being a male feminist.

Social Justice Crybabies Protest This Week’s Controversy

This is what you look like when you chant like a mindless drone. Why not try formulating some logical arguments and then winning the debate with facts? Oh, too difficult? Okay, just go back to chanting.

Brilliant demolition of the left in under 2 minutes by Milo Yiannopoulos

The left is really stupid. They look out at a society — western, democratic capitalism — the most successful engine of wealth distribution and equality in the world’s history. A system that has raised entire continents out of poverty. A system that has given women the vote. A system that has given equal rights to blacks, gays, all the rest of it. You know, citizens in the west, in Europe and North America, enjoy privileges and rights and equality unprecedented anywhere else in the world.

And the left’s response to this, Is tear down the institutions and principles that gave them those rights, and return our countries to the sort of chaos and warmongering and internal divisions that exist in the rest of the world, where women are forced to wear veils, and have acid thrown in their faces. Where gays are hanged from cranes, where people kill each other over political disputes in the street.

milo2The left’s response to the systems that have given everybody equal opportunities and access to the workplace, to education, to the public square. The system that we have built that has made us great. You know America is the greatest country in the world, Europe has produced the greatest culture in the world.

The system that enabled and produced all of that stuff is somehow the problem? I don’t mind calling that stupid.

The Most Miserable Way to Live Forever

There is a program being sold online that claims to teach you 5 Ancient Tibetan Yoga moves that will vastly improve your health. Okay, nothing too surprising there.

If you read that book you will discover that the 5 Yoga moves are “borrowed” from a much older book first published in 1939 called “Ancient Secrets of the Fountain of Youth” by Peter Kelder. Here is a short blurb from the book description to give you a taste of what we are up against.

2Q==Legend has it that hidden in the remote reaches of the Himalayan mountains lies a secret that would have saved Ponce de Leon from years of fruitless searching. There, generations of Tibetan monks have passed down a series of exercises with mystical, age-reversing properties. Known as the Tibetan Rites of Rejuvenation or the Five Rites, these once-secret exercises are now available to Westerners in Ancient Secret of the Fountain Of Youth. Peter Kelder’s book begins with an account of his own introduction to the rites by way of Colonel Bradford, a mysterious retired British army officer who learned of the rites while journeying high up in the Himalayas.

 I suppose in the 1930s these 5 yoga poses must have seemed wildly exotic to a bunch of British soldiers, but in today’s day and age I’m not sure we can assume that 5 yoga moves will make you live any longer than average.
But anyway, that’s not the point… let’s get to the good stuff.

How to Live Forever

It turns out the the Tibetan Yogis taught the British Colonel a secret method that any man (not sure if this will work for women… sorry ladies) can use to not just live longer, but, literally, live FOREVER!

And the secret is this:

Do Not Ejaculate.

Ever.

3ogix1You see, whenever a man ejaculates he loses a bit of his life force. Ejaculate regularly and you will die at a normal age like any regular dude who loves sex and masturbation.

But practice abstinence — not just from sex but from all ejaculation — and you will become immortal.

Sounds cool. But who the fuck wants to live without ever ejaculating? Not me… that’s for sure. And that’s why I call this “The Most Miserable Way to Live Forever.”

Good luck guys… and please let me know how it goes.

I Owe It To My Ancestors To Be A Fat Lazy Slob

Evolution-of-Obesity

You and I are survivors of an unimaginable lineage of people who had to suffer the most horrible lives in their struggle to get out of the wrath of Mother Nature and get inside where it’s safe and warm.

For hundreds of thousands of years our ancestors worked their fingers to the bones and lived in levels of near-starvation while they struggled to figure out how to harvest enough food so that their children wouldn’t die.

How many thousands of my ancestors had to live painful lives and die even more painful deaths in order to get me to a point where I live a life of luxury that the Kings of bygone eras could only dream of?

Don’t know. It’s a lot though. So why the fuck should I give up the couch and the TV and the chips and donuts and pizza? If one of my ancient desperate forefathers could trade places with me they would do so in a heartbeat, and for once in his miserable life he could have a hot shower and a warm meal. And as much fucking dessert as he wants.

I’m doing it for you, great-great-great-grandpapa. Pass me another slice!

 

You will be gay, fat and in prison by 2063

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Out trusty interns have crunched the numbers and discovered these ominous trends for the coming century.

Obesity

Since 1980 the obesity rate has increased 36% to an astonishing 64% of the population. At this rate it will take less than 20 years for the entire population to be overweight.

Prediction: you are probably already fat. If not, you will be chubby by 2020 and morbidly obese by 2030.

Homosexuality

In 1980 the homosexuality rate was approximately 2%. Thanks to all those gay TV shows (like ‘Friends’ and ‘News’) the rate is now about 6%. And with 24/7 access to gay sex thanks to the internet, more and more children will embrace this fun-loving lifestyle, sparking an even larger increase in the coming decades.

Prediction: someone you know watches gay TV. You will watch gay TV by 2012. You will be gay by 2020. Everyone will be gay by 2075. Humanity will die out by 2200.

Prisoners

The prison population has grown even faster than fat gay sex, with an whopping increase in the prisoner population of 309% between 1980 and 2000. At this rate, 100% of the population will be in jail by the year 2063.

Prediction: If you are reading this website you are probably already in prison.

Top 10 Celebrities and Presidents Killed by The Illuminati

The Illuminati is a secret society that is rumored to control all world events.

The Illuminati and members of their organization are especially influential in the entertainment industry. It is alleged that members must make a blood sacrifice to the clan in order to gain fame and reach higher ranks.

Many famous people have allegedly been killed by the Illuminati for failure to comply with the plan. Still others were killed as part of one of these Illuminati blood sacrifices and for the greater good of the organization.

These Illuminati sacrifices are very hard to prove, so we will present the facts and it will be up to you whether you want to believe them or not.

Continue reading Top 10 Celebrities and Presidents Killed by The Illuminati

Drunk Future with Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope gets hammered and peers into the bottom of his bottle to see the world of the future. Specifically, the year 4,054,622,225 or something.

After you’ve watched this, go check out a classic bit of Stanhope’s stand-up: Stop Being Interesting, Take These Drugs

Kentucky Fried Weirdness

Thanks to Mind Bending Videos, here are a couple of really strange commercials for KFC. The first has a fun hidden subliminal image embedded in the ad and the second is just a really really bizarre advertisement for your viewing pleasure.

The Cult of Parenthood

I’ve just read the greatest paragraph about parenthood I’ve ever had the pleasure to laugh out loud to, so I thought I’d share. This is from Tim Kreider’s mostly excellent book We Learn Nothing.

9k=“Most of my married friends now have children, the rewards of which appear to be exclusively intangible and, like the mysteries of some gnostic sect, incommunicable to outsiders. It’s as if these people have joined a cult: they claim to be happier and more fulfilled than ever before, even though they live in conditions of appalling filth and degradation, deprived of the most basic freedoms and dignity, and owe unquestioning obedience to a pampered sociopathic monster whose every whim is law… They’re frantic and haggard and constantly exhausted, getting through the days on a sleep deficit of three years, complaining about how busy and circumscribed their lives are, as though they hadn’t freely chosen it all.”

I suppose this is only funny to someone who has willingly joined this cult… I used to tell my friends that having a child is like taking on a second full-time job where you are on call 24 hours a day, and your boss is a screaming whiny bastard who will ask you to do ridiculous things for him like wiping his ass and letting him puke on your new shirt. Good luck with that!

I’m Hatin’ It

So you want to hike into the wilderness and get away from it all but you’re addicted to cheeseburgers. What to do, what to do?

Well, a Swiss company has created the world’s first canned cheeseburger just for you. Simply throw the can in a pot of water over your campfire, wait a few minutes and you’re ready to cure your munchies.

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But beware, brave folks have actually tasted this monstrosity and the verdict is not good. One brave taste-tester writes that the burger tastes “something like a really terrible veggie burger: Sort of beef-esque, in a way that would only fool someone who never actually eats beef. The fairly rank, unsweetened ketchup overwhelms the burger, while the cheese and bun do not lend anything to the experience one way or the other, apart from helpfully keeping the “meat” further away from the taste buds.”

Please send me hate mail and disagree with everything I post

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Republished with permission thanks to Carol Simpson at CartoonWork.com