Category Archives: BadIdeas

How to Join the Illuminati

In all the feedback I get on my various websites I receive one burning question more than any other.

“How do I join the Illuminati?”

In fact, this question is asked at a 20 to 1 ratio to all other questions combined, and is invariably followed up with an offer of cash, blood, and a little slice of their soul if only I would get them into the secret society which rules the world.

So what do I tell these poor, pathetic followers? Well, my first instinct is to offer inclusion into this exclusive club for the low, low price of $599. But for you, my friend, I can give you this one-time limited deal for $399. Just send your cash, blood and soul and I’ll get back to you.

But only an evil member of the Illuminati would do that. Instead, I have to give you the boring truth.

There is no way to join the Illuminati. You must be born into it.

That’s it. Sorry. Unless you become a multi-billionaire. But even that’s no guarantee.

So if you weren’t born into the Illuminati, your only hope is that reincarnation is real. And better luck next time!


By the way, the most interesting book I’ve ever read on this subject is called ‘Confession of an Invisible Illuminati’ and you can get a free copy just by joining our Mind Power News reading list right over here… 

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The Most Miserable Way to Live Forever

There is a program being sold online that claims to teach you 5 Ancient Tibetan Yoga moves that will vastly improve your health. Okay, nothing too surprising there.

If you read that book you will discover that the 5 Yoga moves are “borrowed” from a much older book first published in 1939 called “Ancient Secrets of the Fountain of Youth” by Peter Kelder. Here is a short blurb from the book description to give you a taste of what we are up against.

2Q==Legend has it that hidden in the remote reaches of the Himalayan mountains lies a secret that would have saved Ponce de Leon from years of fruitless searching. There, generations of Tibetan monks have passed down a series of exercises with mystical, age-reversing properties. Known as the Tibetan Rites of Rejuvenation or the Five Rites, these once-secret exercises are now available to Westerners in Ancient Secret of the Fountain Of Youth. Peter Kelder’s book begins with an account of his own introduction to the rites by way of Colonel Bradford, a mysterious retired British army officer who learned of the rites while journeying high up in the Himalayas.

 I suppose in the 1930s these 5 yoga poses must have seemed wildly exotic to a bunch of British soldiers, but in today’s day and age I’m not sure we can assume that 5 yoga moves will make you live any longer than average.
But anyway, that’s not the point… let’s get to the good stuff.

How to Live Forever

It turns out the the Tibetan Yogis taught the British Colonel a secret method that any man (not sure if this will work for women… sorry ladies) can use to not just live longer, but, literally, live FOREVER!

And the secret is this:

Do Not Ejaculate.

Ever.

3ogix1You see, whenever a man ejaculates he loses a bit of his life force. Ejaculate regularly and you will die at a normal age like any regular dude who loves sex and masturbation.

But practice abstinence — not just from sex but from all ejaculation — and you will become immortal.

Sounds cool. But who the fuck wants to live without ever ejaculating? Not me… that’s for sure. And that’s why I call this “The Most Miserable Way to Live Forever.”

Good luck guys… and please let me know how it goes.

Transgender Programming of Children is Child Abuse

So this guy walks into an OB/GYN clinic and demands a gynecological exam. The doctor, a woman, takes one look at him and says, “That won’t work. You’re a man.” The man, however, “self identifies” as a woman and blasts the doctor for being a bigot. “I self identify as a woman,” he says. “And I demand to be treated as a woman, or I’ll call my civil rights lawyer.”

The doctor, not wanting to be called a bigot, proceeds to give the man a fake gynecological exam, playing into his delusional distortions about his own biology and arguably worsening his mental disconnect with his physical self.

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This is what transgenderism and “biological subjectivism” has come to in America today… a politically correct demand that everyone agree to participate in the mental distortions of a few individuals who suffer from a psychological disconnect from their biological realities. Such ideologies stand in complete contradiction to the known science on biology and physical reality, and sadly, this mental distortion is now being thrust onto children as part of a sick, demented political agenda to appease the most lunatic fringe elements of the political spectrum.

Read the full story here…

Returning to the Religious Dark Ages

I love these old photographs of Islamic countries before the decline. You see, it proves that Islam doesn’t have to be backwards, close-minded, and radically fundamentalist. Up until the 1970s many middle-eastern countries were using their vast oil riches to modernize and begin to experiment with equal rights and freedom for all.

But now these countries are well on their way to hell on Earth.

If you are a Muslim it is time to fight back against this rot within your religion, and get back on track towards a prosperous future for your children. Or just convert to atheism and walk to Europe.

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How to Win Gold at the Olympics

Norm Macdonald has a great line: “When I was a kid, if you had a penis you were a boy. But back then, we weren’t enlightened like people today.”

It’s true: we now live in an “enlightened” society where you can pick which gender you are. And no one has the right to tell you that you are bat-shit crazy.

Which gave me an idea.

transgendered olympicsIn almost every sport, an average man is as good as a top-notch woman. Any man who comes in 17th in the male Olympics will win Gold in the women’s Olympics. So, why not tell the world that you are a woman and go win a bunch of gold medals at the next Olympics? Who would dare to tell you that you aren’t a women!

Anyway, I wanted to write a funny and interesting blog post on this, but someone already beat me to the punch. So go read this and then get rich and famous in your new beautiful life as a woman.

How to make an easy three million dollars. For men only.

ISIS 2.0 – Petty Bureaucrats with Machine Guns

Obviously ISIS is a fucked-up evil mess, but at the very least it might be understandable that angry young men would get a thrill out of starting up a new country and killing all their enemies.

But without a set of laws and a system of justice, who is going to manage your brand new country? God can’t be everywhere.

Which brings us to the petty, mindless bureaucrats. Anyone who lives in a western democracy knows that these fucktards are the bane of our existence. They blindly follow pointless rules, relish in holding a miniscule amount of power over you, and are incapable of logical thought in order to solve a tiny little problem.

But at least they don’t have machine guns and the right to tell you how to dress, what to eat, where to go and who to be friends with.

Unlike the guys who enforce the rules in the new Islamic caliphate run by ISIS.

Here is a short clip from a fascinating VICE News documentary about the city of Raqqa, in which they follow around an ISIS bureaucrat with a machine gun who drives around town telling everyone what to do and forcing them all to live by his interpretation of all those stupid rules hidden somewhere within the fine print of the Koran. If I lived in a town like this and some brainwashed fundamentalist fuckhead was telling me what to do I would go ape-shit.

Welcome to hell on Earth. Thanks a lot, ISIS, you ignorant fucking assholes. I’d like to tell you that your warped religion is based on a fairy tale, but I realize that you’re too closed-minded to ever listen to a second opinion. Ironically, I hope there is a God so that your evil souls can rot in hell for being such a shits right here on Earth.

Let’s Not Force Stupid People to Vote

“The best argument against Democracy is a 5-minute conversation with the average voter.” -Winston Churchill

This week Barack Obama said some nonsense about mandatory voting laws. I really don’t understand the logic of this. Every time there is an election we are urged to get out there and vote and every time the election is over the media is distraught at low voter turnout.

Real-change-Charlie-Brown[Just for the sake of this post, let’s ignore the entire argument about the fact that all political parties are bought and paid for by corporations and that no matter who you vote for the same policies will be implemented… just for the next minute or so let’s pretend that voters have a choice between politicians who have differing opinions about important issues.]

But why do we want every person in the country to vote? Why would we want people who are completely ignorant about politics to pick our politicians? There are already far too many people who vote based solely on what they learned in a completely biased 30-second TV commercial. Do we really want to add more voters who are completely uninterested in politics to scratch an “X” on the ballot just so they are not fined?

Please don’t force ignorant people to vote. In fact, it should be against the law to vote if you have not done your research about the candidates and the issues and if you are not able to defend your position. I’d rather have 5% voter turnout if those voters know what they are doing than to have 100% of the mindless masses pick our next representatives.

Statism-Ideas-So-Good-Theyre-Mandatory

Sex With Animals — Is It Wrong?

Seems like no matter how innocuous a search term you plug into the web, you inevitably get a thousand links to hardcore porn. A search for safe toys for kids brings up a long string of dildos, vibrators and the like. An innocent research topic like corporal punishment gathers up S&M sites and so much more…

No surprise, then, while trying to find some info on “Beauty and the Beast” for my four-year-old, I came upon a plethora of beastiality/bestiality sites. So there I am, faced with a woman giving a horse a blow job, and another being done doggy-style, by a dog, and I think: this is totally rude, completely utterly wrong, clearly morally repugnant, no matter how you look at it.

But then a contradictory voice inside my head asked: “What’s the big problem? This is a victimless crime.” (Is it a crime to suck off a pig, I wondered?) Those women, presumably, are old enough to make up their own minds about what they fuck, and those animals…

Well, those animals, honestly, couldn’t look happier, with their ecstatic grins and their eager tongues flapping. We all know that dogs will hump anything that moves; do you think they are being harmed in any way, shape or form whatsoever? Contrary-voice-in-my-head says “I doubt it, if I was that dog, I’d love to hump a 5’10” busty blond bimbo.”

So why does it fill us with so much disgust to see people having sex with animals? I mean, it is obviously wrong, isn’t it? Everyone I have talked to feels very strongly that sex with animals is a disgusting, crass, rude, and filthy thing. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

703206fbd7dc596859f6e2946f2d3ba7_square_fullsizeWhy Is Sex With Animals Wrong?

Actually, I can’t think of a logical reason, but it sure feels wrong. It must be wrong, it’s just sooo… wrong! I’m sure the gods wouldn’t approve, would they? Your mom certainly wouldn’t be too happy, would she, if she saw a horse fucking you?

Your boss would frown upon it. Your best friend would probably disown you, if he or she found you humping a sheep or being boned by a dog. Who could possibly not be offended?

Yet there are, at least, thousands of people, who not only are not offended, but who are doing it, and they are letting people take pictures of them doing it, and posting those pictures online for all the world to see.

What are they thinking? Please, please, leave a comment and tell me why it’s so obviously wrong to fuck animals.

Otherwise, I may just have to try it.

Author’s name withheld until he reaches the age of consent.