Monthly Archives: July 2016

The Bright Side of Terrorism

baby-terroristsThese days there are horrific terrorist attacks almost every day. And that’s incredibly sickening and disheartening.

But let’s take a look at the slight sliver of a silver lining.

If these backwards-thinking psychopaths simply moved into Europe and North American and quietly took over Western Civilization by pumping out dozens of children each they would succeed in just a few more decades.

But by killing innocent people every day they have exposed themselves for the evil monsters that they are, and now the Western sheep who would have quietly been displaced are now starting to grow a backbone and will, hopefully, soon start fighting back.

I, for one, can’t wait to see what kind of backlash the Germans are capable of if Islamist extremists continue to hack their way through the Fatherland.

 

Fuck Criminals, Not Capitalism

Before you go to your stupid protest with a sign that reads “Fuck Capitalism” why not pull your head out of your ass and try to learn something?

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You don’t even need to crack open a book. Just look at pictures of North Korea versus South Korea to figure it out. Same people, same geography, same history, same language, but vastly different results. What’s the difference? Yes, capitalism.

Without capitalism you have nothing. Literally. So put your stupid sign away, you’re embarrassing yourself.

It isn’t capitalism that is the problem. It is evil, violent criminals who steal the wealth that capitalism gives us. Figure it out, dummy. If we had your Marxist revolution we would all starve to death.

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What’s Wrong With A Warmer World?

Of all the First World Problems you could be whining about, worrying about the weather has got to be the first-worldiest.

So let’s assume you’re right. Let’s assume that climate change is happening and the world is going to be 2 or 4 or 6 degrees warmer in 10, 20 or 50 years.

Okay, you win. But before you ask me to spend trillions of dollars to bring down the temperature a little bit you have to answer the next logical question:

What’s wrong with a slightly warmer planet?

Earth-on-Fire

Most climate change hysterics don’t realize that the Earth has been warmer than it is now at various times throughout it’s geological history, and in those warmer eras humans have thrived, becoming healthier and wealthier and happier than ever before. It is only when the temperature drops that we become miserable and freeze to death.

Humans like being warm! That’s why we vacation in Hawaii and not Inuvik.

The Most Miserable Way to Live Forever

There is a program being sold online that claims to teach you 5 Ancient Tibetan Yoga moves that will vastly improve your health. Okay, nothing too surprising there.

If you read that book you will discover that the 5 Yoga moves are “borrowed” from a much older book first published in 1939 called “Ancient Secrets of the Fountain of Youth” by Peter Kelder. Here is a short blurb from the book description to give you a taste of what we are up against.

2Q==Legend has it that hidden in the remote reaches of the Himalayan mountains lies a secret that would have saved Ponce de Leon from years of fruitless searching. There, generations of Tibetan monks have passed down a series of exercises with mystical, age-reversing properties. Known as the Tibetan Rites of Rejuvenation or the Five Rites, these once-secret exercises are now available to Westerners in Ancient Secret of the Fountain Of Youth. Peter Kelder’s book begins with an account of his own introduction to the rites by way of Colonel Bradford, a mysterious retired British army officer who learned of the rites while journeying high up in the Himalayas.

 I suppose in the 1930s these 5 yoga poses must have seemed wildly exotic to a bunch of British soldiers, but in today’s day and age I’m not sure we can assume that 5 yoga moves will make you live any longer than average.
But anyway, that’s not the point… let’s get to the good stuff.

How to Live Forever

It turns out the the Tibetan Yogis taught the British Colonel a secret method that any man (not sure if this will work for women… sorry ladies) can use to not just live longer, but, literally, live FOREVER!

And the secret is this:

Do Not Ejaculate.

Ever.

3ogix1You see, whenever a man ejaculates he loses a bit of his life force. Ejaculate regularly and you will die at a normal age like any regular dude who loves sex and masturbation.

But practice abstinence — not just from sex but from all ejaculation — and you will become immortal.

Sounds cool. But who the fuck wants to live without ever ejaculating? Not me… that’s for sure. And that’s why I call this “The Most Miserable Way to Live Forever.”

Good luck guys… and please let me know how it goes.